ZCC... are you kidding me??

“Believe What You Will”


Miss Information
Copyright 2009

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The following is a transcript from a press conference in Harare today in which Zimbobsway President Robert Mugabe addresses his Government’s startling announcement that Zimbobsway has conducted a number of secretive Moon landings and has laid sovereign claim to its entire dark side.



Steve Uperlipp, BBC: “Your Excellency, thank you for taking time to appear before us and let me be the first to congratulate the people of Zimbabwe for this amazing, though yet documented technological feat.”

H.E. RH Mugabe: “You are welcome and do you have an intelligent question or are you only here to promote a colonial agenda wielded by western forces bent on re-subjugating the people of Zimbobsway under racist British rule again?”

Steve Uperlipp, BBC:”Allow me to be direct then Mr. President. The world is highly skeptical about your Government claims to have colonized the dark side of the Moon and will the Government of Zimbobsway be releasing pictures of any part of Zimbobsway’s previously unheard of space programme?”

H.E. RH Mugabe: “So typical of westerners like you to bristle now when the word colonisation comes into play. Where were your lofty concerns when the British and their cheap friends were raping the people and robbing the lands of Zimbobsway? We are colonising the moon under the just laws of our constitution and unlike our former colonial masters we are not systematically redistributing the lands across a toxic racial field of class and birthright. Does somebody with half a brain have a question?”

Mihair Du, Times of India: “His Excellency Mr. President Mugabe sir, all through-out beautiful and peaceful India, even in the Kashmir, people are asking where are these pictures from your Moon colony and will this colony be needing to outsource low-level IT services? If so will your Government consider the plight of the millions of Moonies in India and elsewhere when offering such a contract?”

H.E. RH Mugabe: “I would think that coming from a country with so many fine schools you might know that the dark side of the moon is just that… dark. Picture taking is very difficult in the darkness of space. Besides, it is impossible to provide the kind of pictures the west is clamouring for as they are highly classified and why would we help them steal our ideas for space travel and settlement? As for any Moonies outside of Zimbobswaen territory, all I can do is reassure them that every Moonie in Zimbobsway has and will continue to have the same rights as every other Zimbobswaen as guaranteed by our constitutions here on Earth and on the Moon.

Mihair Du, Times of India: “With all due respect to His Excellency Mr. President Mugabe sir, maybe a picture or two of the rockets you need to send men and equipment to the Moon would help assuage concerns about your credibility on this issue.”

H.E. RH Mugabe: “Even with the best efforts of our internal security forces, the finest and most professional internal security forces in the world, the occasional western spy still manages to get into our African paradise of democracy and peace. Arrest this man.”

Nodda Effin-Klew, CNN: “Mr. President, how can you honestly expect anyone on earth to believe such clearly impossible fantasy? Besides not having enough money to feed half of the country, unemployment at 80% , inflation rates in the millions annually, Zimbobsway has never had an Aerospace industry, never launched a satellite and has no known capacity in the area of interplanetary travel, related communications and logistics as well as no known partners who might have any of those essential assets.”

H.E. RH Mugabe: “I can’t tell for sure if you are a man or a woman with that haircut but going by that outfit we will go with badly dressed Lesbian… something we don’t have in the workers Paradise of Zimbobsway. The people of Zimbobsway have undertaken huge sacrifice to make this happen and now, after many years of wondering where all of the Government money was going they are even more than their usual the happiest people in the world. Why do you come here with nothing but lies and hatred in your heart… is that normal for all so-called American Journalists?”

Nodda Effin-Klew, CNN: “Mr. President. You have not addressed one reasonable question or provided one iota of evidence to support this outlandish fairy-tale you are clinging to. Can you or can you not offer the world even the smallest table-scrap of verifiable information that substantiates any single part of this highly disputed and widely ridiculed story?”

H.E. RH Mugabe: “The racist and fascist governments of the west look for any reason, real or imagined, to tarnish the shining glow of democracy and harmony that is the Paradise of Zimbobsway. We live in quiet triumph knowing that one day the rest of the world will eventually find their way to the Moon and discover the truth about the many and wonderful accomplishments of the Government of Zimbobsway. We are not swayed by the lies of media lackeys enslaved by the bribes of our enemies and are not deterred in any manner by the relentless attacks of the jealous and envious puppets of the west who need look no further than the many crashes of their own spacecraft and expansionist war machines in the Persian Gulf before criticising us.

All patriotic Zimbobswaens know that their Government and its Military and internal security forces are the best in the world and have nothing but peaceful love and concern for their fellow citizens at heart. If the Government of Zimbobsway says something, no matter what it is, you can stand before the gods of your choice and tell them such as fact.

We have been to the Moon many times and have started a settlement programme on the dark side. I myself have personally been there on more than one occasion. My word itself, as everybody knows, is Gospel truth so that alone is all the so-called proof any sane man needs.

Tell me, can you look up at the Moon and say with absolute certainty that Zimbobsway has not settled its dark side? Have you ever even seen the dark side of the moon? No you haven’t but like so many other obvious agents of the west you would come here and try to dampen the national sense of joyous achievement the Zimbobswean people are celebrating across this bountiful land thanks to our unparalleled successes in space travel.”

Nodda Effin-Klew, CNN: “The people in the streets are rioting over food shortages, they are not celebrating Zimbobsway's settlement of the Moon or its fictitious space program.”

H.E. RH Mugabe: “I was all prepared to open up our space technology facilities to a few select and respectable journalists from the west but it clear from dealing with the likes of you that it is in Zimbobsway’s national interest to keep foreign journalists out of these restricted areas. Once again the west has made a series of racist and demeaning demands on the legitimate Government of Zimbobsway and now must suffer the consequences of its continued meddling in the internal affairs of a great and peaceful democratic nation.

All of you foreign journalists leave My Country now and don’t even think about keeping your cameras, recorders and computers. There are plenty of white “courtesy vans” parked out front, ready to drive you indirectly to the airport... there are enough for all of you so help yourself to our generosity now, before I change my mind.”

Kagiso Buttons, GOZnws.com: “Your Excellency Mr. President… On this, one of the greatest of the countless great days the people of Zimbobsway have enjoyed since you took office, is there any more news on our incredible triumph of technology and will that you can share with the Nation without giving fuel to the fiery witch hunts of the desperate western haters of Zimbobsway?”

H.E. RH Mugabe: “Finally, an intelligent question. For reasons of our national security we must keep most of our actions in space a secret and therefore most of our moral and technological victories over the repressive regimes of the west will remain known to few for now. I can tell you that we have moved so far along in our colonization that we are ready to send Government of Zimbobsway members permanently to the dark side of the Moon.

To illustrate the high degree of respect we have for mankind’s first foray into extra-terrestrial habitation we will soon be honoring the spread of democracy into the cosmos by appointing Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai to the post of First Solar Governor. You can expect him to disappear from the national view soon and then be certain he has left on his mission to serve his permanent lunar mission for the glory of Zimbobswaens everywhere.

Kagiso Buttons, GOZnws.com: “Your Excellency Mr. President… is there anything you would like to say to the western dogs, their agents of evil in the ranks of INGO’s and newspapers columnists and the rest of Zimbobsway’s haters across the globe?

H.E. RH Mugabe: We in Zimbobsway are the only Government in history to achieve space travel and settlement and have done so without so much as the loss of one single life or even a single broken bone. Our world’s best Military and Internal Security forces managed a feat never before known to human endeavour. Filthy swine-flu countries like America lost many innocent lives to the sloppy and ill-managed approach to space travel they practice and have left a trail of garbage and junk in their wake to go along with so many negligent deaths. These are the same capitalist swindlers we have humbled with our unprecedented victories and who now seek any means to discredit the heroic work of our Military and Internal Security personal, many of whom gave their lives to save those of their beloved fellow countrymen who accidentally wandered onto various launching pads at the wrong time.

It is the action of our fallen heroes we need to honour now, as without them we could never have achieved such an historic victory over the west and its imperialist cronies.


Our time here is finished. I must leave now to meet with our London lawyers who are preparing a copyright infringement lawsuit against the western music group and British Government stooges, Pink Floyd.


Thank you all and good afternoon.”


End of press conference


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Asking any reasonable person to believe that a war fought with hundreds of thousands of civilians in harms way, a war that claimed over six thousand lives and thirty thousand injuries to GoSL troops, a war that killed many thousands of LTTE fighters, a war that saw millions of rounds of munitions fired and countless thousands of rounds of artillery fire, a war that raged over three years... Asking anybody with an IQ above that of a houseplant to believe that a war like that saw Zero, repeat, Zero civilian casualties due to Government troops is absurd and insulting but that is the official... repeat again, that is the official story of the GoSL who wonder why so many foreign journalists and foreign Governments question their basic honesty.

With thousands of dead civilians, many thousands more injured and huddled in crude camps it is beyond the pale to try and continue such a clear and disputable lie as the Zero Civilian Casualty myth being promulgated by the GoSL.

Here is the David Frost interview in which, shortly before the final battle, the Sri Lankan Foreign Affairs Minister speaks of this absurd proclamation... go to the 1min 15sec point and start there.

From Here there is a GoSL claim that the deadly fighting in the Eastern Province was conducted without a single civilian casualty attributable to them... not even so much as one stray bullet glancing off an unfortunate elbow. Such claims are as mind-boggling as Robert Mugabe visiting outposts on the Moon. They defy common sense and the relentless laws of probability.

If we look a bit closer of the laws of probability we can match up established and empirical evidence against the specious and PR challenged claims of the GoSL... claims that serve to undermine every message they offer the world.

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Lets start with the numbers as we know them, beginning with almost 40,000 GoSL forces injuries including over 6,000 deaths.

Friendly fire has been a documented aspect of warfare for hundreds of years and continues today in every area of armed conflict. Great lengths to avoid this have been taken by most modernised armed forces in the world but none who have been to war or are presently at war can say it hasn't happened to them. There are too many crucial moments in every battle to ensure that all goes to plan and anything from a misidentified sniper target to an incorrect artillery position can and does happen.

Some who study the problem present statistics from WW2 that claim 18% of all Allied injuries were from friendly fire but even if the number is one tenth that it still represents tens of thousands of affected servicemen and women.

If we apply a very low percentage of friendly fire incidents in Sri Lanka, say 3%, we end up with over 1,000 injuries of soldiers at the hand of their comrades. Further reducing it to 1% leaves over three hundred probable injuries and I can find no published claim by any government to suggest anything close to a 1% friendly fire casualty rate having ever been achieved in prolonged, major modern warfare.

How can the Armed forces of Sri Lanka have managed to wage a vicious ground war in mostly jungle terrain that certainly cost them hundreds of friendly fire casualties if not thousands, kills thousands of LTTE cadres and yet somehow miraculously does not produce civilian casualties by their hands even though the civilian casualties are huge and well documented?



This is ludicrous. The GoSL are offering themselves up for another mugging by walking through the bad side of PR town in a dense fog of their own propaganda making.


I will return with more fog-busting stats shortly and eventually offer some "Just how stupid were the LTTE" numbers to consider as well.


{MI}